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Embrace the chaos

If I could summarize what I've learned about life during these first four years of being a dad, it would be that love is such a small word for such a big, profound, and multidimensional thing. Cheez aside, the other significant lesson I've learned is the value of embracing chaos and uncertainty. By embrace, I really mean acceptance. I do not mean to intentionally create chaos or something. I mean to let go of the overwhelming desire to control situations and all outcomes. Bottom line is that Little Man has no interest in conforming to all of my expectations or needs, and I've learned to be ok with that.


I won't lie though. The chaos and uncertainty have worn me down at times. The screaming at 2am, then 4am, then 5am... the tantrums at dinner, the food thrown on the floor... the poop blowouts, the perfectly-aimed golden showers... the car rides with demon boy  -- these experiences can not be endured without anguish. No degree of Buddhist enlightenment can shield you from this pain. (As an aside, wouldn't Zen Buddhism encourage you to actually embrace the pain?)

However, those poopy-screamy-tantrummy moments of chaos are not really "the problem". No, the problem is in the belief that these behaviors can be controlled or shaped if we prescribe to the "Here-is-how-I-fixed-my-baby Method" or the "Definitive-research-has-shown Theory". There is nothing more maddening --- WAY more maddening than the actual screaming of baby --- than the belief that there is a way to make the problems go away. And if that way isn't working, it's because there's something wrong with your baby or that you're not implementing it correctly. That's maddening. Of course, parents should be aware of the latest medical and behavioral research. Of course, we should attend to our babies' needs. Of course, we should heed our pediatricians' advice. But, c'mon man. The breadth, depth, and volume of contradicting advice and philosophies on all of this stuff feels more like psyops than help.

So, while I think we should listen to experts, support each other, and attend to our babies' needs, I think it's equally important to embrace the chaos and uncertainty that is inherent in being a dad. No quick fixes. No one-size-fits-all. 

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